Wednesday, August 6, 2008

a son, a brother, a father.

this is the hardest part to write. To tell the world what is actually been burried inside ur heart is nothing more than complicated. It is a story when u just can't tell on the right time,to a right person, without tears and sadness.

i felt lost.
i felt numb.
i felt empty.
when the sadness is out of control, i felt nothing like a person who don't have a felling at all.
i find it hard to cry now.
i felt worst.

there is no need to be question if semua ini adalah takdir tuhan. Allah S.W.T. yang menentukan segalanya.

i miss being your youngest sister, abg pis.
i miss when u always come out to your two only sisters' room and said
" ishhh segarr bilik korg bole tido tak kat sini mlm nie?"
i miss it when u ask "comel tak erina? ke korg ckp dier comel sbb erina ni ank abg and anak sedara korg?"
i miss it when quote" nanti kter dah besar kita bukak restoran nak? manyak untung."
i miss when always said how stubborn am i n kept saying" ella nie tahu bergaya je lebih"
i miss your smile and jokes.
i miss how emma and i like to get on your last nerves esp dinner time."abg pis cedok nasi,abg pis tuang air, abg ammikan ikan"
the saddest part, i definetly miss youuu when you are not here anymore with ur daughter erina aisyah, your family and your youngest stubborn sister.

i am so regret for not being there when he was not well. i was busy preparing for my university preparation applying all the university to get in. i did not even went to visit him some of the dayy. it was so frustated to be there but not being able to talk and makes jokes with him because the doctor not allowed the visitors to come inside the room.
the risk of infections was too high. yes i know but you can't even allowed the family members?
however, i was happy enough when the doctors finally allowed but we have to wear a mask so the chances of infection was slim to none.
the most saddest part i cannot forget was i promised to make him an album of erina contained pictures of what erina is doing in her everydaylife without having her father to watch him.
unfortunately, i failed to do so. i've been busy attending driving classes and all but i know it was not an excuses for that.
i kept telling myselves thateh xpelaaa i still have time to do all the good thing for him because i know he is going to be alright and i was so sure he is going to lead a normal life again.
u never told us how terrible the chemotherapy was and u said everything was going to be fine but the truth is not.
we put a lot of faith and we do all the best we can to help you. well i should know earlier, leukemia is a silent killer. kalau seseorang pakar doctor paling bertauliah di dunia sekalipun bercakap the chances is slim, ella tetap yakin bersungguh-sungguh yg abg pis akan sembuh.

i could not accept it, i couldn't even think to accept it at that time.

There is no such thing as having the perfect life. well if you do then u must not realized you are actually missing sumthing in ur proud life. perhaps, all good thing comes to an end. god loves the person u loved the most more than we do espcially a person who has a big heart. i take it and swallow the pain as the obstacles of life. however, i'm still thankful for all the happiness occur in this very short life. well a baby girl named erina asiyah has make everyone life changes.

brother, you are always in my heart. i'm smiling whenever i think the kindness of you. finally, it shows that i have move on with my life and having you in our heart have make our life more meaningful.

al-fatihah to Rafizul Elmi Bt Zulkefli.

you are the world to me.
your daddy must be proud to see how adorable and clever 2 years old girl you are!


adeera azman said...

being grateful and blissful is to take things, live the facts and make good changes. you can make the world a better place to live ella lalala. hehehe, i know you would. many good wishes to you ella lalala babe. feel no regret, make him proud, he will ! al fatihah to him too, ameen.

ella elma said...

thank you for ur concerned adeera.
ur words do make me feel more betterr.
yes there is nothing more i want to do than make him proud!

random stranger said...

i felt moved by the blog that you posted and i hope u do not mind me posting this comment.although i do not know your brother,i am sure he was a good brother and a responsible father.gulping all of this will make you a better person and thicken your shield to face the obstacles of life.good luck to you with that.but one thing that u are wrong about is that,he is already proud of you.seeing you turning into a well educated person :)


ella elma said...

i'm touched for the fact how good things u have said.
but may i know who is the random stranger is?

random stranger said...

let it just be a random secret :) n do not not the stalker type.

E=MC2 said...

touched by ur post..
adeera's rite..
dun regret antythng..

al fatihah....

welcome in as a blogger..
im new as well~

eli.suhaili said...

You and your family are strong enuff to get thru all this.
Pernah terfikir tak kenapa Tuhan pilih ella utk semua ini ?
.Reasons~ ;)

Ella is a strong woman people!
Tgk jela color hot swift ella n cara dia nak debate dgn lab instructor kami ! ehehe;)

lynntermizi said...

everybody will encounter that sad moment syg..memang pedih,mmg sedeyh tp nieyh sume mmg dh ditakdirkn..xpe,ella kne kuatkan semangat..kne teruskn pjuangan n jd superwoman mcm adeera!!i pn nk jd superwoman cm adeera jgk taw!,grab my hand,lets put or hand way up high n tell the world that nothing's gonna stop us..
n oh ya,thanx for the thought..update more!!=)
be strong ella..

Anonymous said...

I just read your blog and am touched be deeply. Your brother must have been an amazing person.I am sure if he were here right now he'll surely be proud of the person you are now and the person your becoming. Dont be too hard on yourself, your brother wouldn't want that and i bet right now your brother is looking down smiling knowing that his doughter is lucky to have you in her life. Insyallah one day your whole family will be reunited with him.


-Pinkie ChiRa- said...

hey ella.. im so sorry about your bro.. stay strong babe, and make everyone esp him proud.. sincerest al-fatihah to him. amin.

on the other hand, welcome to the blogging world!